I miss me, too.

Jim and I were laying in bed one night, and he said, "I miss you so much." I was a bit confused by his statement. Other than when he goes to work, we spend every waking and sleeping moment together. He has even been able to work from home on many occasions, so he could spend more time with Jim-Jim and me. In trying to figure out what he meant, I thought about our life before Jim-Jim. We carpooled to work together every morning and spent the last few minutes before he dropped me off praying for our day. We enjoyed the 30 minute commute because it gave us time to connect before we went our separate ways for work. We even made the decision to place Jim-Jim in a daycare in Lewisville, so we could still have our time alone together on the way to Dallas in the mornings. All of that has stopped since we've had the baby. Before Jim-Jim, we began our Saturday and Sunday mornings sleeping late and groggily waking up next to one another. We would roll out of bed around 9:30 am or 10:00 am, and Jim would make breakfast. Jim-Jim has completely altered our weekend routine. We no longer wake up next to one another on the weekend. Jim-Jim's natural rhythm has him waking up around 6:30 am. The one who took the late feeding sleeps late while the other takes care of the boy when he wakes up. It's an unsettling feeling because waking up alone is what happens when you're single, not married. After thinking about all of this, I realize I miss him just as strongly!

Not only do I miss Jim, but I miss myself! I would describe myself as someone who loves playing sports, loves the outdoors, and thrives on being around other people. The pregnancy and post-operative care has turned me into someone I don't recognize. My doctor cut me off from all physical activity during my pregnancy (except for walking but I walk all day at work and that's the LAST thing I'm going to do when I get home...especially since my ankles are non-existant by the end of the day!) and after the c-section. The active person that I once was has become sedentary. I have also been socially deprived. The contact with my patients and coworkers was taken away when I went on maternity leave, so I talk to a little baby all day who has yet to talk back. Who is this woman?

I'm sitting here typing at 6:30 am on Saturday morning while Jim sleeps in the bedroom and Jim-Jim sits in his bouncy seat on the floor next to my lap top. I look over at Jim-Jim, he makes eye contact, and gives me the widest toothless grin. It's in this moment that I realize whomever it is that I'm sacrificing for this little guy is totally worth it! There will come a time when I get to play sports and coach Jim-Jim, and Jim and I will continue to be creative regarding how we incorporate our quality time. But for now, Jim-Jim needs me to be someone I don't recognize so he can become whomever it is that he's going to be. It is only temporary, after all!

Kara